Being a foster care family
Ever wondered what it’s like to be a foster parent? These three families share their stories.
By Anne Bokmal
Canadian Living, April 2007
Foster care in Canada; one family's story
Glenda Nelles and Rick O'Brien
A young girl arrives at your door in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on her back. Her hair is matted from not being washed for weeks. All she wants is to feel her mother's arms around her, but her mom is incapable of giving her the care she needs. The child's home has been shattered by abuse and alcoholism, but it's the only home she knows. The girl is holding the hand of a social worker and looking up at you, wide-eyed with fear. You gently reach out to take her hand and welcome her into your home.
As many as 76,000 children like this young girl are in need of foster care in Canada, and child welfare agencies are desperately trying to find homes for them. It isn't always easy to care for foster kids – they may have emotional or behavioural issues due to abuse, poverty and neglect – but the foster parents we spoke to believe caring for these children has made their own lives better.
Snapshot: Glenda Nelles, 48, a former law clerk, and Rick O'Brien, 45, the owner of a distribution company, have three daughters between the ages of 16 and 22 from Glenda's first marriage as well as a biological son, Kyle, 9, and an adopted daughter, Rebecca, 6. They live in Markham, Ont.
Why they foster: When Glenda saw an ad in 1998 in the Toronto Star requesting people to foster infants, she felt the words were speaking directly to her. “One of the happiest times in my life was when my children were little,” she says. Glenda decided to cut back on her hours at work to a part-time position so that she could foster and also be home with her then two-year-old son. Initially Rick was concerned that children coming into their care from abusive backgrounds might not be a good influence on his young son. “When I found out we could put an age limit on the kids we took, I was all for it,” he says. Currently they're fostering three children under four years of age.
The experience: Over the past six years the couple has fostered
20 children, for as little as a few days to as long as 16 months. If they hadn't gone into fostering, they would never have adopted their daughter, Rebecca, who came to them when she was just four days old and couldn't go home because the neglectful situation hadn't changed. “By then she was 18 months old and we were her mommy and daddy,”
says Glenda. “After that we agreed we weren't going to adopt anymore, but our kids still want to adopt every baby that comes into our home – they can't understand why we have to let them go,” says Glenda, who tells her kids that it's better for the children to be adopted by other families than remain in foster care.
Greatest joys: “When you work in an office you are lucky if someone tells you once a year that you are doing a good job. When you are fostering, you feel like that every day,” says Glenda. She says the greatest reward is witnessing the change in children who are loved and cared for. “Even though they've had a terrible start in life, it's amazing the strides they can make,” says Glenda. Rick takes to heart that he may be the only loving father figure these kids ever know. “They've been exposed to a lot of the lousy things men can do,” he says. “When they come here they experience the nice things.
The happiest experiences are those where children in their care find a loving permanent home. “We had two babies that were given to us straight from the hospital, and we raised them for more than a year,” says Glenda. “Then they were adopted by families who had no kids – that was the best.”
Challenges: One of the toughest experiences foster parents face is saying goodbye to a child they have bonded with and grown to love as one of their own. After caring for one little girl for
16 months, Glenda was devastated to have to let her go. “She was clutching my shirt, and it was heartbreaking,” she says. She admits it has become easier to say goodbye.
It can also be challenging to deal with the biological parents of children in care, especially when you know how their destructive behaviour has hurt their child. But these kids love their biological parents, and as a foster parent you need to respect that, says Glenda. “No matter what horrible things you know they've done, you have to work to be on good terms with the biological family and never say anything negative about them to their kids.”
Words of wisdom: “Love isn't always enough,” says Glenda. She says it's important to take advantage of the educational opportunities offered by Children's Aid, such as courses in caring for high-risk infants, dealing with developmental issues and responding to signs and symptoms of sexual abuse. “You also need a strong support system, and you have to connect with other foster parents so that you know you aren't alone in dealing with some of the challenges,” says Glenda.
Another foster family; words of wisdom
Martha Semeniuk and Dale Williamson
Snapshot: Martha, 55, is on the board of directors of the Four Directions Foster Parent Association of Calgary and has two children in their 30s. Her partner, Dale Williamson, 35, is trained as an oil rigger, but both have chosen to make fostering their full-time jobs.
Why they foster: Martha, who is Métis, was removed from her northern Alberta home as a nine-year-old in the mid-'60s and knows the difference fostering can make. She was abandoned for three weeks by her parents and had to resort to scrounging in garbage cans for food. “I left with the clothes on my back and went to the social worker's house where I was fed stew, two slices of bread and milk. I'll never forget that meal.” Her one and only placement was with a Ukrainian family who helped her retain her native connection. They lived close to the settlement Martha had been taken from and visited there regularly with Martha, helping her keep in touch with extended family members. “They were a strong and loving family. I want to give the kids I care for the same kind of chance that I was given.”
The experience: Martha was 21 with two young children when she began fostering. Since then she has cared for more than 30 children, many of them aboriginal, for anywhere from six months to 20 years. “For me, it's a career and a passion,” she says. Dale, who is also aboriginal, felt the same way about fostering when he met Martha 10 years ago. As a baby he had been handed over to family members when his 16-year-old mother couldn't care for him. Martha and Dale live in a large, two-storey house and currently care for seven children between the ages of 12 and 18. “We prefer having older children,” she says. “Teens aren't as bad as people think – you just have to understand them and be flexible.” The couple lives close to the Treaty Seven reservation in Calgary and encourages the kids to maintain contact with their heritage by participating in cultural events such
as language classes, pow-wow drumming and sweats.
Greatest joys: “When one of my foster sons graduated from high school, he crossed the stage, took the microphone and, in front of 300 people, said, ‘I'd like to thank my mom for kicking my butt every step of the way.' Then he came off the stage and hugged me. That was an overwhelming moment for me,” says Martha. For Dale, the best part of fostering is knowing he's serving as a positive male role model in these kids' lives. “I can show them what a man can be – that you can be responsible, caring and capable of showing affection.”
Challenges: Martha and Dale take 40 to 60 hours of extensive training every year through social services to better understand how to deal with children affected by issues such as fetal alcohol disorder, attachment disorder and developmental issues. Despite that the kids all come from difficult backgrounds, they share one thing in common: they want to be back with their biological parents. “Some of them will go AWOL and run back to their family – we have to help them understand it's not a safe place to be,” says Martha. “One of the first things we do with these kids is to try and develop a relationship with the biological parents so that they can see we are here to help and we aren't a threat.”
Words of wisdom: “You need to have patience and love for children to do this,” says Martha. “The most important thing is to build trust with the kids by being honest and encouraging.”
Third foster family; tips and facts about fostering
Joann and Dan Tanner
Snapshot: Joann Tanner, 48, is a special education teacher, and her husband, Dan, 58, is a bus driver. They live in Smithers, B.C., with their two teenage daughters.
Why they foster: “I've had a deep love for kids all my life,” says Joann. She recalls recuperating from surgery in hospital when she was a child and hearing a little boy crying for his absent mother. “I was only six years old and I went around to comfort him.”
As an adult, she had opened her home to exchange students and friends of her daughters who were fighting with their parents. “A friend of mine said that since I was good with kids, I should consider becoming a foster parent.” When she spoke to Dan about it, he, too, felt they should make a home for kids in need.
The experience: Over the past eight years, Joann and Dan have taken in more than 40 kids, most of them preteens or adolescents. They currently care for four kids aged eight to 16. “A lot of these kids are streetwise because they have to be. They've never had security and just want to be a kid for a little while,” says Dan, who explains they've created a relaxed home environment without too many strict rules. “We tell them, ‘Don't swear in our house, be nice to everyone and if you are going to stay out overnight, phone us and let us know.' They always call. If you don't have a lot of rules, they don't have a lot of rules to break.”
Greatest joys: Sometimes it's the small things that are the most meaningful, such as the call Joann received on Mother's Day from a girl who had moved out three years before. Then there was the angry and aggressive little boy who, when she tucked him in at night, would tell her he loved her. “And that was after only a week,” says Joann. “I'd tell myself to keep trying with this kid because he had a lot of love in him.”
Foster parenting has also had a positive effect on her biological children. “My teens have seen firsthand what drugs and alcohol can do to kids,” she says. “They've learned to be compassionate. I think they will go far in life in terms of knowing how to work with other people.”
Challenges: Some foster kids have a bleak outlook on life. “They have no future in their own heads, and it can be pretty tough to get by that,” says Dan. “We try to let them know if they can get through high school and university, they can change their lives.”
The Tanners have also had to work hard at being patient with kids who act out. “We try not to get angry because the kids have often come from angry homes,” says Joann. “We've had to teach ourselves self-control and to create the calmest environment for them that we possibly can.”
Words of wisdom: The Tanners believe they are giving their foster children a glimpse of a happy and healthy home life that they will keep with them into the future. “If kids can get a good foundation in the early years, it makes such a difference to their lives,” says Joann. “If you can help even just one child, that's an incredible job. There are kids out there that need you, and if you do this, you'll never be the same again.”
Facts about fostering
• Since 1998, the number of kids in foster care across Canada has increased 65 per cent to 76,000, in part because the definition of a child in need of protection has been expanded to include emotional mistreatment and exposure to domestic violence.
• The average foster child is placed in seven different foster homes.
• The age of the average foster child is eight, but foster children range in age from newborn to 16 to 19 years old, depending on the province.
• About 22,000 foster children have parents whose parental rights have been terminated by the courts.
• Only a small number of kids (about 1,700 in Canada in 2004) in foster care end up being adopted by their foster parents.
• About 30 to 40 per cent of foster children are aboriginal even though they represent less than five per cent of the total population in Canada. While attempts are made to place these children in aboriginal homes, because of the large numbers many are cared for by nonaboriginal foster families.
What you need to give as a foster parent:
• An open heart and a love of children. Foster children are likely to have experienced trauma in their young lives and will require plenty of love
and patience.
• Adequate space. You will need to provide a foster child with his or her own bed and enough room for daily activities, such as playing or homework.
• Plenty of time. Because of their high needs you'll need to give foster children plenty of attention to help them with their growth and development.
• A secure family life. Emotional and financial stability is a must. All members of the family should agree with the decision to foster.
• A willingness to learn. Foster families are offered and encouraged to take training courses to further their abilities in caring for foster children.
• Foster parent candidates: Foster parents can include married couples, common law couples, single people and members of the gay and
lesbian communities.
Here's what you'll receive:
• Choice regarding which children you foster. Foster parents have a say in the age and gender of the children they'd like to foster, as well as the particular emotional or behavioural challenges they feel equipped to handle.
• Ongoing financial and professional support. Foster parents are paid a daily rate per foster child, which ranges across the country but generally starts at $30 a day and goes up to $50 or more, depending on the amount of training they receive and the needs of the children they care for. Expenses such as clothing, medical and dental needs, school- and recreation-related expenses are also covered. They also receive regular visits from a social worker.
